To the editor,
We don’t know enough about the recent murder-suicide of Jeffery and Janice Houston to say whether it was a result of domestic violence, shared terminal illness or something else. But we do know that when the possibility of a domestic violence fatality is in the news, especially when it is close to our home, it can scare those among us who question the safety of our own relationships or those of our loved ones.
Sometimes our fear is appropriate. Risk assessment in abusive relationships is not an exact science, but there are some clear indicators. If a person’s abusive behavior escalates or involves a new twist such as forced sex or use of a weapon, it’s a red flag. If there is use or threats to use a weapon, especially a gun, it’s a red flag. Threats to harm or kill are a red flag, and the more specific the threat is, the more we should worry. Strangulation is a red flag that is more common than we knew, often leaves no external marks, but causes severe damage or death. Threats of suicide are a red flag – the abuser may threaten to kill themselves or both, if their partner leaves. Major life losses that leave an abusive person feeling they have nothing to lose are a red flag. Escalation of abuse from verbal to physical or an increase in intensity or style of abuse is a red flag. Someone may experience none of these red flags and may still be at risk. Domestic violence is dangerous. Last year in Massachusetts alone, 28 people died from domestic violence homicides and suicides.
What scares us most about domestic violence – the biggest barrier we face, and the one thing that we believe puts victims at the biggest risk – is isolation. Abusive people isolate their partners so that they become the only voice their partner hears and so their victim cannot access help – from friends, family, or local agencies. Sometimes the isolation is complete and is created with an iron hand, and other times the abuser slowly manipulates their partner in to weakening or ending their other relationships. “Your sister hates me. We always fight after you spend time with your friends. You become such a monster when you try to keep a job. Just stay home with the kids. I’ll pay the rent. We can’t afford two cars.”
The good news is that isolation is something that together we can overcome. If you are worried about your relationship or that of a loved one there is help. Hilltown Safety at Home (HS@H) can be reached at (413-559-8039) or (413-387-3120). HS@H advocates can talk to you on the phone or meet in any safe place in the hilltowns. Safe Passage has a 24 hour hotline at (888-345-5282) as does Elizabeth Freeman Center (866-401-2425), and the YWCA (800-796-8711). If the issue is not domestic violence, but suicide or mental health, Westfield Crisis Intervention Team (413-568-6386) or Northampton Crisis Intervention Team (413-586-5555) can help. These hotlines are not only for victims and survivors, but those close to victims and survivors who are sorting out the best way to help.
It takes all of us to make our community safe. Thank you so much for your help.
Phil Barry and Monica Moran
Southern Hilltown Domestic Violence Task Force
