When Jan, her kids and her husband go on trips in the car, they play a game called, Would You Rather. You have to decide between two choices that are equally compelling. For example,
Would you rather be invincible or invisible? Would you rather be able to breathe under water or to fly through the air? Would you rather live in Paris or live in Rio di Janeiro?
It’s been four and a half years now since Jan has been taking the medications that help control the symptoms of her schizophrenia with psychotic features. Her Carson psychiatrist has done her best to help her find the right combination of medicines. But even so, there are terrible side effects. Jan can’t really concentrate. Once athletic, her coordination just isn’t the same. Her sleep is fitful. She’s always vaguely nauseous.
Before Jan started taking her medications, she’d lost custody of her children. She hadn’t been safe with them when her symptoms were strong. She didn’t trust her husband and didn’t seem to know her family. It has taken a lot of family therapy at Carson to help reintegrate Jan and her recovery from mental illness into a new family life. Gaining the trust and reconnection to her young children has been the hardest.
It was close to New Year’s Day. Jan told her Carson therapist that she’d been considering how, taken as a whole, Life had asked her–
Would you rather live without the thick fog of medication, or spend 1500 more evenings with your son and daughter?
Would you rather dance with the easy coordination you once had or have your beloved husband to cook with and talk with?
Would you rather forget all about queasiness or see four more Christmases and birthdays with your kids?
Would you rather stretch and turn in easy sleep each night or say a thousand more hellos to your only brother, your closest friends?
Just this past Thanksgiving, Jan noticed a subtle change in her eleven year old son.
He was telling her about a project he had in school when she noticed something about the way he spoke to her. he looked unguarded. She could see that he was growing into a young man, but also that he was feeling the trust of a child for a parent.
Would you rather the sharpness of your recall or would you rather your children know that they are loved in all that they are?
We would all, of course, rather stay safe, and fully engaged in our sharpest senses. Jan would rather avoid all side effects of medications. She would rather enjoy a natural body chemistry that does not bring pain and anxiety to her being. She would rather live unchallenged by mental illness. Instead, though, she allies with others who have taken up the challenge, those who love her, and she chooses her path to recovery.
By JAC Patrissi
