It was DEAR MAN again for Carson’s Under Five Thrive program for pregnant and parenting young people. There was a lot of eye-rolling among the members of the group. DEAR MAN is an acronym used when teaching interpersonal effectiveness skills. The group had heard about these communication skills several times before: Describe the situation without judgment. Express your feelings. Assert your points. Reinforce the person you are talking with. Stay Mindful. Appear confident. Negotiate.
“Today, we are going to try something new; you are going to be DEAR MAN parents,” said the facilitator. “We are going to practice using these skills FOR our kids.”
The group looked puzzled.
“Let’s try it out to see what I mean. We have got Roberto and Sarah. Roberto and Sarah have the same exact toy, but they are fighting over one of them because they can’t find the other.”
Smirks of recognition went through the group.
“Roberto is SURE that the toy is his. Sarah says it is hers, too. What are we going to do?”
“I’m going to say ‘Stop that yelling! I’ve had enough! I’m taking the toy!” suggested one parent.
“And that is one option. I’ve been that tired and worn out that I’ve done it, too,” said the facilitator. “I want to give you another option, because –whatever you do, you are teaching them to do.”
You know DEAR MAN, so help me out. I’ll start with the Describe and Express. ‘So, Roberto, you are so frustrated because you are sure this is your toy. And Sarah, you are so frustrated because you remember that this is yours. And you are both worried that your brother or sister will get the toy. And you both really want the toy!”
“It IS my toy! It’s MINE!” mimicked one of the parents.
“No, MINE!” improvised the other, laughing.
“Can you do Assert?” asked the facilitator.
A group member spoke halfheartedly, “’So we all want to find a way to figure out how you can both have the toy. Maybe that means finding the other one. Or maybe that means taking turns, I don’t know, but we want to solve it…..’ Oh, I might as well do Reinforce…. ‘I’m so glad you two are working this out with me and I’m sure we can figure it out…’”
“Thank you. Anyone for Negotiate?” asked the facilitator.
“Sure—I can do it,” offered a parent, slowly. “‘So, maybe we can take a break and put the toy here where we can all go into the toy chest and look under your beds for the other one together? If we find it, we’ll feel a whole lot better,’” finished the parent, sadly and entirely unconvincingly.
They were quiet, until one member of the group said what was on most of their minds: “Are you SERIOUS? No WAY! I’m NOT spending all that time over a toy!”
Then one of the older group members sighed and said, “You know, I hate to tell you, but she’s right. My oldest is eleven and I am not proud to say it, but I was a yeller. I would just yell and that would be that. And
guess what I have on my hands? A yeller. If I knew then what I know now, things would be a whole lot easier at home. We aren’t even in the teenage years. And the older one is teaching the younger one the bad habits I taught him. He doesn’t listen; he’s rude and pushy. It’s like if you put in the work now, it pays off big time later.”
“But I can’t do it. I can barely do this for myself, never mind them,” complained a teen mom. It was the reality of being a very young mom. After the baby shower and the excitement of the pregnancy and the birth and the new identity as “mom,” came all this endless…work…when they just wanted to be with friends.
“I know it,” said another young mom in the group, “It’s about learning to be and teaching your kid at the same time. But that’s why we come here. We got each other, you know?”
By JAC Patrissi
