Did you see my hair clip? It’s so pretty and tiny. It’s my daughters, but I like to wear it, too, because of the flowers. My daughter is a problem, though. I think she’s abusing me, the way she screams at night and keeps me awake. My mom is in a wheelchair and when I leave the house, I put the crib right up next to my mom, in case she wakes up. The Department of Children and Families doesn’t want me to do that. They don’t want me living with my mom because she wasn’t good to me when I was little.
They didn’t know about that then; they found out about it when I was a grown up. So now that she can finally do something to help me, why should I get away from her? Also, I’m in GED classes. This is my third try. It’s really hard.
I’ve never been good at school. People say mean things when I walk to class, because I’m overweight. I pretend not to hear what they say, but I do. I do shower, you know.
I don’t really trust nobody, not after what my mom let those men do to me when I was little. My Community Support Worker Cathy from Carson promised she would sit in my first sessions with a therapist. DCF said I had to I will do anything to keep my daughter if I can. They are still thinking about it. Turns out, I really like this therapist so far. She’s at Carson, too. I have to go to parenting classes. I thought that was a dumb idea, but they do have smart things to say. They said that I have to get up at three a.m. even when I’m tired, if my baby is hungry. I don’t like that part. I thought I could just leave a bottle in the crib, but then the formula doesn’t stay fresh and you are not supposed to put soda in the bottle. Soda would stay fresh, but it isn’t good for a baby to drink because of all the sugar and stuff in it.
Sometimes I think I can’t do it. I mean ANY of it. I wake up and I think “Why even try?” and then I remind myself that I am still enrolled in the GED center. I have my new therapist, May. I am still here. It can get better. I can talk to Cathy. She always answers when I call. She said maybe we can even go to Weight Watchers together. When I think of calling her, even when I don’t do it, things seem better.
By JAC Patrissi
