To the Editor,
Some domestic violence victims tell us they survived abuse because of their faith. Others tell us their faith caused them to stay in an abusive relationship even in the face of severe danger.
An elected official and business owner from the hilltowns, we’ll call her Cindy to protect her identity, told her pastor that her husband had become violent. I told my pastor my husband was throwing things at me, big things. He shattered glass, punched holes in the wall, destroyed the ceiling fan. He slammed me into the couch and tried to suffocate me. I couldn’t breathe. He gave me two black eyes, bruises on my cheek and my leg. He pulled out a chunk of my hair.
Cindy’s pastor told her that he was sorry about it all. He also told her that divorce was a sin, and that she would have to work it out. He said he would pray for my husband, and he gave me money for food. But I understood that I would lose my salvation if I divorced. I would lose my seat with Jesus.
Cindy’s husband continued to be violent. He threw knives at me. He shoved me to the ground and kicked me in front of the children. He called me a lazy whore, but he never worked. He started stealing my things and selling them. He said his presence was enough, and I should be grateful for just that. I was stunned. He never abused me before we were married.
Cindy went back to her pastor and told him everything. Her pastor did not waiver. Nor did he did refer her to a domestic violence agency or even a therapist. I was living in a war zone, not knowing when the next bomb would drop. But I understood that if I left I would face eternal damnation.
Most people in my church didn’t believe what was happening. My husband told them I was crazy, hysterical, a drunk. He said I was the one who threw things, broke things. He said I knew how to work the system and he was the victim. He told me, “Do you realize no one believes you? You are a crazy bitch. If you went missing, no one would even report it.”
In the end, Cindy’s faith community helped her without the pastor even knowing. The women in her bible study group believed her and encouraged her to leave. They told her that yes, she was supposed to live up to her marriage vows, but only if her husband did too. They told her that her body was the temple of Christ, and that if her husband abused her, he was also abusing Christ. They talked to her about grace, and about how God wanted her to be safe. They gave her the number for a domestic violence advocate from Hilltown Safety at Home who could help her leave safely.
The next time he kicked me in front of the kids, I decided to leave despite what my pastor said. I found the courage, through my faith and with the help of the women in my bible group. I called the advocate, and I got legal help. I eventually left my church. But my faith never failed me. I always felt god’s presence, even in the darkest days. I was so isolated, but I was never alone.
If I were to speak with that pastor again, I would ask him – if I were going to be killed, would it still be the right thing for me to stay? Is there never a time when you would waiver?
This is a good question. Here are some others we can ask our local faith leaders –to help us predict how they will handle domestic violence:
How do you respond when a member of your faith community is abused or is abusive?
Are you aware of local domestic violence agencies and do you partner with them?
Do you talk about abuse in your sermons so people know you would support them if they came to you?
How do you discuss faith texts that abusive people so often misuse to justify their right to rule the home or their spouse?
How do you talk about forgiveness? Does forgiveness mean you have to stay in an abusive relationship?
Do you ask that both partners honor the marriage vows – rather than focusing solely on avoiding divorce?
When is separation in marriage acceptable?
If you have pastoral counselors, are they trained in domestic violence?
Research shows that during a trauma, victims are 5 times more likely to seek the aid of clergy than any other profession. If we are serious about ending domestic violence, we need our local faith leaders on board.
Reverend Carol B. Smith, First Congregational Church of Huntington
Reverend Stephen Philbrick, West Cummington Congregation Church
Monica Moran, Southern Hilltown Domestic Violence Task Force,
[email protected]
